I grew up identifying myself as someone whose humor differs from anyone else. Not that it’s a flex, because I rarely laughed when my friends were cracking jokes in front of me, and in return they stared at me in silence when I tried to make them laugh. As a result, I’ve accepted the humor department God put me in and continue with life.
Two years ago, I was talking to a friend and asked him, “What shampoo do you use?” and I don’t think I will ever be able to forget his answer. “Muslim Pro.” And I still laugh to this day.
Yesterday, I was calling a friend to ask for help and we ended up talking about politics and making jokes about the recent presidential election. I laughed and in that second I realized, “I want this to be a constant in my life.” That is to laugh.
The thing is I laugh on a daily basis. I laugh when I greet people, I laugh when I take pictures, I laugh when I talk, and I laugh just by observing my surroundings. I will give credit to my admiration towards the world and my fear of being disliked by others if I keep a straight expression instead of laughing and smiling (cliché girl problem). So, to be honest, I don’t consider them fulfilling.
Then, does it have to be alien-like and so-called-intellectually engaging for me to laugh fulfillingly? Not entirely. As I think about it, there are times when I giggle with my friends on the road just because we were acting stupid, the type of laugh that makes your abs burn. And there are times when I roll on my bed alone laughing over some internet personalities. I can say those are the laughs I wholeheartedly enjoy and lift my day.
But for 19 years of my life, I found it quite challenging to actually hold a meaningful conversation and have fun with it. Or let’s leave the meaningful conversation behind and just talk, with some genuine laugh on top, it’s already hard. When I finally do find one occasion where these genuine laughs are accessible to me, my instinct immediately takes over and screams, “I want this.”
In what way though? In a way I can keep it for myself? In a way where it’s a casual something? In a way where it’s just a passing? Or what?
The pop culture inside of me mixed with my nature of hopeless romance immediately wants whoever it is to be my significant other. Because when I can feel this genuine laugh, then it means I’ve been vulnerable enough towards the person.
Fortunately or whatnot, my skeptical and logical thinking understand way too clearly that it is not the way. That’s not how I am supposed to think or do. For a moment, I would feel torment and disappointment shivering through my body but I realized it was for the best.
This realization brought me to learn that some things are meant to be just the way it already is and that what we think and feel at the moment might be just an illusion. It reminds me to once again, take a step back, breathe, and use the wisdom I’ve acquired in life thus far.
And though I couldn’t spend forever with the people who brought me genuine laughs, I know that I will carry a glimpse of their thought process and humor everywhere I go, just like how I do with the Shampoo.
What does the “love” in the title do, then? Well, each to our own interpretation.
