My Father has been Asking This For Years
“How are you?”
Every single day. Every time I just got back from school. Every time he just got back from work. Every time he has the time to talk with me.
My answer is quite predictable. “I’m fine.” Even when I’m not.
Every single day. Every time I just got back from school. Every time he just got back from work. Every time I have the time to talk with him.
Because to me, it was irritating, it felt meaningless and that made me upset. To me that question felt rhetoric. It made me feel forced to be okay. And it sounded like a small-talk, which I have always despised.
Yet, I still found myself wishing someone would ask about my day, how I’m feeling, if there was anything that happened. I found myself wishing I was taken care of by someone.
Many times, I stumbled upon “How are you, really?” posts on Instagram written in various forms of art, or articles on the internet on how to show affection to people, how to effectively ask “how are you?”. After many years of being asked the same question by my father, I can say one thing: we don’t need those kind of content.
We don’t need to look for many different ways to ask “how are you?”, or how to show others that we care for them. Because if they know, they know. If they wanted to, they will. And what we need instead is empathy.
Now, when my father asks “how are you?”, I can freely answer,
“I’m struggling with the weather,”
“I feel upset because someone just disrespected me,”
“Today’s presentation was fun and I don’t feel tired at all,”
Because I want to, and I’m willing to. Not only am I willing to give those honest answers, but I am willing to acknowledge the love and care my father has tried to show me all these years. My father didn’t do anything extra for me to realize that. He was just, being consistent. He was consistent with his love, and he speaks his love through his action. And I just know. I just know that love actually has always been there, because I want to believe so.
And here is where consistency plays its role. We can’t just believe in something that is not real. Something that is not there. A father’s love might be unconditional, hence the consistency in it. But in this world, we’re going to meet a large number of people and we’re going to love so many of them. Some will love us back, some will not. Some will acknowledge our love, some will not. And as much as we want to believe in the power of love and love someone unconditionally, we can’t hold on to something that is not there. Our love can’t force someone to realize that we have been giving them the affection they need all this time, our love can’t make someone appreciate all the things we’ve done for them. Because if they wanted to, they will. And if they know, they know. Even when we do nothing grand.
And even if the feedback we receive from others are disappointing, we can still be honest. Not for them, but for ourselves. When we have became honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge things better too. We can get better at identifying things that we should be consistent on and things we have to let go of.
I am writing this in hope of a life where we all can start to look closer into the small things people do for us, to understand the reason to their action, to acknowledge the sincerity that lies behind it, to acknowlegde the kind gesture and feelings that are given to us. We shall not do this in fear of losing the person, but in appreciation of the person’s existence. Because I believe when we do, it sparks a gratitude we’ve never felt before. If I haven’t told you that gratitude is in a higher position than love itself, it is. And if I haven’t told you that gratitude is real, it is.
And if my father is reading this, Ayah, thank you for the great life you have given me. I hope you’re willing to acknowledge that I love you and I am grateful to have you, even if I don’t show it consistently like you do.
